Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Random notes I would write

To the Lady at Walgreens Yesterday: I've donated to medical research of one kind or another three times in the past two months. My husband is a Type I diabetic. After I politely decline to donate a buck at the checkout, you don't need to ask "Are you SURE you can't spare a dollar for diabetes research?" Especially not when the tone so clearly says "You obviously don't care a whit about diabetics, you sugar-swilling, cold-hearted bitch, you."

To the Lady I Usually See at Walgreens: Thanks for not doing that. Also, you sounded sincere the other day when you said "Have a nice day." That's pretty frickin' rare. Thank you.

To My Husband: When I said "I really don't do the married thing," I was trying to illustrate how much I love you. I mean, if we hadn't married each other, we wouldn't have married, I bet. Because we really kind of suck at the whole wifey/husbandy thing.

To My Son: You danced with abandon under a mammoth skeleton the other day. I can't express how cool that was. Also, you're in first grade. So cool. But at the rate you're growing, you'll be sixteen by tomorrow morning. Stop that.

To the Folks at Verizon: If you knew I was getting a new phone; and you knew my old one was stolen; and you are in possession of my physical address, e-mail address, other e-mail address, land line phone number and husband's cell number (you recited them all to me so I know you are): Does it really make sense to call me ON MY VERIZON CELL to tell me you couldn't deliver my Verizon cell phone?

To My Fellow Gophers: When I checked my messages today there were three messages from three different friends from Goucher. It made my afternoon. Y'all almost make me wish I was going on another semester. Almost.

To My Sometime Editors: I sure hope I haven't turned into persona non grata in my mad, out-of-contact rush to finish my manuscript. I hope I hear back from some of you. Because I really have some good material ready.

To My Son: I heard about another child abuse case last night and it made me want to come get you out of bed and hug you nearly in half. I love you so much, it really seems excessive at times. But I really do. Then, you woke me up at four this morning, covered from your hairline to shoulders in nose blood and from your waist down in pee. I still love you, and just as much. But I'd really rather you not do that again.

To My Cat: You woke me up at 4:30 this morning, licking my ears. I love you too. But 4:30? Are you kidding? Plus, you snore. Since when do cats snore?

To My Husband: You woke me up at 5:10 this morning, snoring and pushing me up against the wall. You know I love you. But if you do that again, I may have to put you in our son's room, with the cat, and barricade the three of you in there until at least 6 a.m.

To My Readers: This is me, getting back into blogging. Bear with me. It'll get better in coming days.

To the Lady Who Puts Out the "Early Release Today" Reminder Sign As We Drop Our Kids Off Wednesday Mornings: You've saved my ass from being late on more than one occasion. I'd feel really terrible about that. So thank you.

To Whatever Genius Put Pro Wrestling on the Sci-Fi Channel: WTF?

To My Mom: You are really super-amazing. I don't ever tell you that, except when I sign a hokey card for some occasion. And if you read this, you'll surely brush it off. But it's true. Even all those things I used to hate you for doing: Thanks. I'm starting to get it.

To the Guy in My Complex With Apparent Hypertrichosis: I understand not shaving. Really. But what's with the hot pants and no-shirt policy? And what clothes can you possibly be washing all the time?

To Paris Hilton: I defended you several times (I know, I surprised myself) over the past few weeks. I would've blogged about you, except I'm a lazy ass and several, several people beat me to it. But well said.

To the Person Who Said to Me, "We need to get someone to run this country for Jesus.": You do realize that would be a theocracy, right? Which you're against? Faith can't be mandated. It's kind of not faith any more.

To My Kitchen Cupboard Doors: I know you're cheaply made, but can you stop falling on my head? I darn near got a concussion last time.

To the Apartment Repair Staff: When you put my doors back on, you put 'em on backward. But I don't care. We won't be here much longer, with any luck. So nyah nyah.

To the Jehovah's Witnesses Who Visited Yesterday: When you heard me shout to my son "No, I'm going to beat you!" and he retorted with "I'll beat you harder!" and I retorted with "I'll beat you so hard!" we were talking about Monopoly. Sorry about that. Also, you should know I hardly ever read the Watchtowers you give me. I read part of yesterday's, but only because I was on hold with the geniuses at Verizon. I tried to tell you this, but you give them to me anyway. I might read them at some time, but things tend to get lost around here. Sorry. You really are very nice.

To My Son, Husband, Mom, Sister, Brother, Friends, Colleagues, Mentors and Countless Others: Thanks for sticking by me these last couple of years, even when -- especially when -- I've been a neurotic pain in the ass. I don't know how accomplished I am or will be, but it's thanks to all of you.

To My Readers: Thanks for sticking with me. And sorry about the whole ending-on-a-sappy-note thing. It's a bad habit. I promise the next entry will have 33 percent more bodily fluids and fart jokes, or your money back.

11 comments:

Leslie F. Miller said... Best Blogger Tips

Kim, this post made me cry and laugh and spit and groan and laugh and cry and get mad and laugh and cry and laugh and laugh and laugh—need I continue?

You are why I read. We are why we write.

It tickles me to know I belong to your club.

P.S. If this had a pink star, you'd totally get it.
P.P.S. FUCK Verizon. Shit like that is why I have ATT. (Also the iPhone.)

heather said... Best Blogger Tips

Kim, I LOVE reading your blog. This was a great one!

Kim Hosey said... Best Blogger Tips

Leslie: I forgot to answer before, but thanks a ton for your comment. Coming from someone who makes me cry/laugh/spit/groan/laugh/cry/get mad/laugh/cry/laughlaughlaugh, that means a whole lot. More, even, than a pink star.

Kim Hosey said... Best Blogger Tips

Heather: Thanks! I'm so glad y'all stuck with me during the unintentional hiatus. Although I have to say, I get silly about family reading it. I knew you, Colleen and my mom read this, and somehow it adds a new layer: "Oh no! I said 'bitch!' And I used the word 'ass!' Three times!"

Glad you liked it, my neuroses notwithstanding. :-)

Kevin J. Hosey said... Best Blogger Tips

So, Val and I aren't family?

Kim Hosey said... Best Blogger Tips

Awww; no! I think I mentally consider you in the "family-who-are-friends" club, sometimes. Which puts you in second place only to my poor immediate, tolerate-me-every-day, have-to-be-in-the-same-state family members.

You guys rock. Especially after sticking with my intermittent blog posts, and checking on me and all. Well, you rock anyway.

Kevin J. Hosey said... Best Blogger Tips

Hmm; you still seem to be putting me/us below my sister.

Harrumph, harrumph.

heather said... Best Blogger Tips

I don't think it's below me, it's younger than me!!!! Since college people have thought I was older than you!!!

You also seem more liberal, maybe I just dress more conservative. Working around kids has made me edit what comes out of my mouth and onto paper more too. Doesn't mean I don't think the same as you guys :-)

Kim Hosey said... Best Blogger Tips

I'm a big dork, I didn't realize that's what you were referring to yesterday anyway. I just hadn't realized you read that post too. Duh. Don't parent and blog at the same time, folks...

I definitely edit what comes out of my mouth; I don't even have to edit it anymore is the sad part. The strongest thing I've said today has been "Remember, let's all USE OUR WALKING LEGS!" to a bunch of first-graders, who thought they were very strong words, indeed.

Kevin J. Hosey said... Best Blogger Tips

Having been an editor and reporter for so long, I guess I need/have used my blog, comments on this blog and so on to get out of that rut of self-control or self-censorship.

It's funny that, unlike the cliched saying, I have become more liberal as I have gotten older, gotten married and bought a house, Heather. Also, I'm a bit more militant about it, as I guess my political activism shows.

And Kim, don't worry and never apologize over some perceived, non-existent gripe I bring up or joke about; just another Hosey family trait I learned at the feet of the masters, the Ed and Sheila Show.

heather said... Best Blogger Tips

You'd need to do your gripe on Youtube to reach Ed and Sheila Show greatness. It's a visual and auditory experience.